The Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

It has been said that the business of business is about handling people. Actually, life is all about managing people the right way. Specifically, we have to know what to say, when to say it, how to say it and to whom we say it. This is of course, not an easy skill to acquire. We aleady have so many problems trying to live our lives from day to day that sometimes it will take a herculean effort to just transcend ourselves in order to overcome our shortcomings. We are so frustrated sometimes we just need to let our air off above all priorities.

Most will resort to arguing with the person who so stepped on your tail. They scream and they bitch and all sorts of profanities in the world come out of their mouth. In doing so they think that they can justify their anger by telling the other person what a fool he is by making you angry. Sometimes this comes more natural than doing business in the toilet - even toilet businesses require some coordination and effort; criticising and complaining is so automatic we rarely plan for them to occur.

Take my dad for example. Now, he is a good father; he doesn’t smoke, drink, gamble nor indulge in extramarital affairs. He cares for the family’s welfare and he provides, as best as he can, bread and butter on the table. But of my family of four, and my father's extended family of 6 siblings, I can safely say that I am the only person who can communicate with him effectively. With a man of such admirable qualities, he should be well-liked right? So why isn’t he? Through many sessions of one-to-one coaching that we have had since I left the Army, it is evident that he is constantly frustrated, even driven to points of depression, because he is not seeing acceptable results for most things that he has expected others to do. The root cause is that he is too full of himself when he talks; and he complains too much and he criticizes incessantly.

Every time a word of criticism springs out of his mouth, our ears are shut and our minds are closed. The first thing that we associate a critical person with is a fool of shallow character. A self-indulging critic will never get anywhere with his attempt to communicate, hence his constant agony from his feeling of being ostracized. An inferiority complex sinks in and the process reiterates itself. If you want to communicate properly, don’t ever try to criticize, complain or condemn anything or anyone before a word comes out of your mouth. If you have nothing good to say, don’t say anything. Hence – Principle 1: Don’t Criticize, Condemn or Complain.

I confess that I’m very, very fond of chocolates. But whenever I fish, I do not hang chocolates on the hook do I? I hang a worm on it and dangled that in the water, asking the fish, ‘Wouldn’t you like to have a wriggling worm in your mouth?’ Why? The fish loves worms, not chocolates. And likewise, the person that I am trying to communicate with is only interested in whatever that pre-occupies his mind, never the chocolate that I like, nor the things that I want.

Let’s admit it. Our minds are pre-occupied with thoughts of ourselves all the time. We think about our projects, our work, our clothes, our money etc. We think about ourselves so much, that ‘I’ is the most commonly used word in any conversation. The last thing we need is for some arrogant fool to come by and tell us how to live our lives. You will be astonished by the distance people will go to protect their precious pride. Once you threaten to even wound my pride, I will get defensive. But if that is true, the reverse must also be true – if you respect my pride and give appreciation where it is due, I will respect your pride in return. Is that not what we want out of every effort we make to communicate? We will get things done much faster this way. Hence – Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.

Everyone loves to talk, but how many really listen? Now, communication is never complete if one talks and the other does not listen right? With the chocolate and worms example, it will follow that in order for us to communicate; we need to see things from the other person’s point of view. Just pause to appreciate this phrase that Henry Ford, founder of Ford Motors and the concept of Mass Production, said about the art of handling people,’ If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get to the other person’s point of view and to see things from his angle as well as from your own.’

An example will be that of a kid who refuses to eat his vegetables. You can tell the kid all day long that vegetables are rich in vitamins and minerals and that they are good for them but the kid just will not eat them. Why? The kid, like the fish, is not interested in your chocolates! So now we will practice what Mr Ford preached. We take a good look at the daily activities of the kid and ask our selves this question. What does the kid really want? Does he want to be a basketball star; represent the school in soccer; walk the catwalk or be the next Prime Minister? Once we know that, we can tell the kid how eating his or her vegetables will make kid grow taller to shoot that basket; run faster to round off the keeper; stay slimmer to shrug the stuff on the catwalk; and get smarter to be the next Prime Minister. I guarantee you that the kid will eat the vegetables the very next day.

The same principle works with adults! Tell them why a particular business will get them to where they want to be in life and you’ve got yourself a partner. People are willing to listen as long as you can see things from their point of view and understand what they want. Hence – Principle 3: Arouse in the other person and eager want.

Now, obviously talking is easier than walking. But being aware of what we can possibly do to better ourselves is one of the very first important steps to take in making that change a reality. I’m still learning about how to apply these principles, and if you do catch me breaching the principles, remember, you’ll be rewarded.

Remember the game that I have started 2 weeks ago? To date, I’ve given out only $2 dollars to others who have caught me breaching the rules, while putting away $9.50 for catching myself. If anyone has been diligently catching me breaching the first principle since day one, he would have made a little fortune! But alas, not many can see the mistakes as they themselves are very much indulging in the 3Cs and their own worlds. Now, this is totally understandable is it not? Although this fact constitutes the biggest reason why this game is not so well-received, I will still reward you as long as you catch me, because your stepping out of your own world and into mine is commendable by itself.

If you are not ready to take that plunge and burn a hole in your pocket by playing the game, just try in your little ways to practice the 3 principles:

Principle 1: Don’t Criticize, Condemn or Complain

Principle 2: Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation

Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.

I guarantee you that you will be a much more effective and happier person.