Winning people to your way of thinking.

Ever found yourself engaged in a war of words that started with no particular reasons? I had. Out of the blue an opinion with a slap came right across my face, and there I found myself arguing till my face turned purple to earn my right of way. Arguments are terrible situations for anyone, yet we run into at least one daily. Why is that so?

Firstly, we often run into people who like to contradict a view that we possess. While contradicting a view is nothing much, the act of showing an absurdity in our judgment is certainly not well appreciated. Therefore, arguments assault our precious self esteems. Naturally, in a bid to salvage our pride, we focus all our mental and physical energies to defend our view. Since our initial self defending reactions strike back at the other person's ego, he will react in the same manner. We then find ourselves engaged in a downward argumentative spiral that starts with no valid reasons.

Secondly, we get simple egoistic boost by telling others that they are wrong. Although we derive small pleasures out of correcting others, a bid to show others that our opinions are more valid is foolhardy. Arguments will always end with frustration since the more we argue; the more convinced we are of our own positions. Hence, even if you walk away with the idea that, ‘I’ve told that bird something,’ what makes you so sure that the other person is not having the same thoughts as you? You cannot win an argument. If you lose, you lose, and if you win, you lose.

This is because:

A man convinced against his will
Is of the same opinion still.

Therefore, the only way to win an argument is to avoid it.

Since arguing will never win others over to your way of thinking, we have to stop being argumentative. There are better means of persuasion than taking a direct assault on our counterparts’ ego. So what else can we do? I will propose something that many self-respecting individual will consider sacrilegious:

The best way ever to win others to your way of thinking is to forget your own ego and show respect for others’ pride and opinions. Hence, the fastest way to persuade anyone is to first make them feel important, and do so sincerely.

Think hard about the person who just slapped you with an assault on your viewpoint. Although in that very instance, you are tempted to indulge in a little self pleasure by putting him in his place, there are still circumstances when his opinions are valid. It is only in the present that some differences appear. Therefore, the first thing to do is to agree with what he said. Sounds absurd? I assure you that it is not. No one can argue indefinitely with you when you have agreed with their views. It just doesn’t make sense. Since everyone loves to be sincerely appreciated, to be agreed upon by a potential adversary is indeed an exulted flattery. Hence, agreeing with a contradicting opinion is a very intelligent way of putting the contradiction out of the way and to start talking about your opinions. In addition, because you have disarmed your counterpart, he will, therefore, be more open-minded to listen to what you have to say.

Up till here we are doing fine, but if you begin to insinuate at any point that, ‘you are wrong,’ you will be heading for trouble again. Hence, the next smart thing to do is to lower your ego and use some good phrases like, ‘Well, now look. I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am. However, if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts.’ Or, ‘Pardon me if I am wrong, but I think…’

Now, no one under high heaven is going to disagree with a person who thinks that he may be wrong. Therefore, it is now time to tactfully unload your opinion. While you are at it, do not forget to find points that you and your counterpart have in common and expand on them. Remember, everyone welcomes approvals, even when opinions oppose each other. Approvals are like food to our self-esteem. Therefore, to be hearty in our approbation and lavish in our praise will most definitely win others to your way of thinking.

Benjamin Franklin, the adroit diplomat and statesman who founded U Penn among countless institutions, wrote this in his celebrated autobiography:

‘Ben, you are impossible. Your opinions have a slap in them for everyone who differs with you. They have become so offensive that no one cares for them. Your friends find that they enjoy themselves better when you are not around. You know so much that no man can tell you anything. Indeed, no man is going to try, for the effort will only lead to discomfort and hard work. So you are not likely ever to know any more than you do now, which is very little.’

This paragraph was told to Ben Franklin when his was a blundering youth. Realizing the stinging truth that was revealed, Ben Franklin sought to change himself,

‘I made it a rule to forebear all direct contradictions of others’ opinions, and all positive assertions of my own. When someone asserted something that I thought an error, I denied myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and to immediately show him some absurdity in his propositions.’

And boy did he not succeed in all his endeavours thereafter!

So, the next time before you step into an argumentative mode, remember this paragraph and put your name in-front-of it,

‘___________, you are impossible. Your opinions have a slap in them for everyone who differs with you. They have become so offensive that no one cares for them. Your friends find that they enjoy themselves better when you are not around. You know so much that no man can tell you anything. Indeed, no man is going to try, for the effort will only lead to discomfort and hard work. So you are not likely ever to know any more than you do now, which is very little.’

Finally, to quote Alexander Pope, ‘Men must be taught as if you taught them not, and things unknown proposed as things forgot.’ So stop arguing as they are not worth your efforts since arguments never achieve much. Winning people to your way of thinking is theoretically as easy as flipping your palm. The only problem is whether you can stop your egoistic emotions from controlling your initial reactions and instead, use logic to persuade.