I Need A Girl

With extreme anxiety, i opened my email account on Tues. I've just sent Debbie an email on her birthday - a day after mine - on Sunday. I was expecting her to not give a dim about it, as usual for the past 3 years. But another part of me was still hoping, just a fool's hope, that she'll reply.

I scrolled through the inbox page, and i saw her name. It was unbelievable. i stared at her name for a full minute or so. Then i logged out, and logged in again. She's still there! She replied! You could not imagine how excited i am, opening up that mail: RE: Happy Birthday. She was pleasantly surprised that i still remembered her birthday, and wished me a similar one in return. That's all. But my heart was already racing like mad. Man, you would never know how painful it is to not have heard a single thing from her for 3 years!

Yes, it has been 3 years. But i still think i love her. She simply set my heart on fire everytime i mention her name. No one has ever, ever given me that feeling before. I tried moving on, but i think it's an effort in vain. After all, it was love at first sight, but at the wrong time.

That night, me and my buddy had a good talk on BGR. Once more, i did another analysis on what went wrong between me and Debbie. We were so close together for a full year, if i had only asked her to be mine, she would have definitely agreed. The signs were all so clear! But i didn't. I had the 'A's and my canoeing gold medal to go for; then i'll have to go through the army, and then University. I'm not clear if we will hold up for such a long time. I'm not sure if love can bridge all gaps and mend all the problems that time spent away from each other can cause. I knew that both Debbie and me could not take the hurt that ensues from a breakup; and i knew that Debbie has always wanted her first boyfriend to be her last. It was a noble ideal and i respected that. So, i've never actually got down to ask her to be mine. I have never regretted that decision. But i really felt that she was the one for me.

Then we went to Tasmania, and everything went wrong. She was the bold one to give me the letter on my birthday, stating that she only wanted to be friends, to 'A's and beyond. That broke my heart man, big time. It's a painful fall. i can't even figure out how if it will feel if we were already together. The distance between us during the trip was all the time caused by our separate dreams and future aspirations i guess. Them and other interferences and agendas formed this impregnable wall between her and me. What her agenda was i could roughly guess, to challenge herself mentally and physically, and to observe if i'm really the one. I think i failed her tests on a couple of occassions, which was a shame cos i don't even know what went wrong. I was thinking too much about work at that time i guess, and the future after 'A's, and who wasn't doing that at 17? But my heart belonged to her from the start, she knew that, and maybe that's why she chose to break it hard; for the better for both of us. My reactions were also totally wrong - I made it a point to write her a letter every week, for a whole half year, before i woke up to the fact that my excessive actions had only made the situation worse. I let go finally, in Mid July, just before my canoeing competition. And that was 3 years ago.

Yet after all these years, i can still remember the first movie that we saw - it was Shrek at Plaza Singapura, 3:14 show on 17th April. That was our first date. Every Tuesday - my only free day of the week, we will go for lunch. She will have Yong Tau Foo and i'll have my Ban Mee. We will spend hours just looking and smiling at each other. Talking was not even necessary. It was so pretty. Man! i think i'm sick. Someone get the shrink!

The truth is, i can not forget her. The way she smiles, the way she test me with her funny questions/hints, the way she walks, the way she swings her stuff around in her usual casual way, her beautiful outfit on our faculty outing in Yishun Safra. i suffered these 3 whole years, since the day she gave me the letter, which i have torn up totally in denial and grief.

And finally, a reply from her! i won't read too much into it, but it does herald a little ray of hope. My moves from now on will have to be cautious. I'm like, what my buddy said, at -3 on the relationship chart with her. So, in order to get back to 0, i'll have to be careful not to press too hard.

Oh man, i need a girl to get this feeling over with man! It's killing me. Hopefully my time in SMU will bring me better luck.