D for Discussion

This week was an interesting week. It was the last week of CTC. My dear combined arms friends have left, but not before we had a barbeque together. Debbie said that we can possibly meet up in July, and I've learnt a little more about myself when the results of the course were revealed. Let me elaborate more.

All good things are not made to last, so my syndicate [CTC learning group] bade farewell to each other over a barbeque on Thursday night, when we had so much fun. A couple of guys got drunk and were sprouting nonsense the whole night. But the most important pledge was made to meet up every February to do catch up. There was so much synergy within the group that most were sad that we had to embark on our diverging paths. Next week is the start of AIOC, and the infantry dudes are to be separated as well. Though no-one like changes, i think we should embrace them with the hope that better things could occur. As Marcel Proust had said, the acme of learning is not so much of seeing new things, but seeing with new eyes. Negativity breeds knee-jerk reactions and further negativity; only positivity allows new eyes to be developed. Am looking very much to AIOC.

Vanessa cautioned that Debbie might be looking for nothing but a platonic friendship, and that i should not read too much into her replies. I'm reading nothing; I'm just happy that Debbie replied. Losing a friend was never my intent in life, so there are no further cause for happiness than to know that i've got a friend back in my life. So now i'm back to zero on the relationship chart with her, and that's all i need actually. Now I just need to meet up with her to close the loop, like my OCS platoon mate Gui Deng had said. Vanessa was worried that i might spill some 'I LOVE YOU' shit on our meeting and scare Debbie off again. HAHA... damn hilarious. There is to be no such thing man. I have tried too hard for too long than to throw it all away. Of course, i am too looking for a platonic friendship first before anything can happen. Debbie and I had both changed i reckon. Let's see if it is for the better or the worse. I know my temper had definitely subsided, but who's to say right? We'll find out in July.

And yes, the results of CTC. I've did fine for my knowledge and peer rating. But I've got a D for Discussion. I feel low at first, then i found it damn hilarious that i failed discussion for being 'Arrogant', 'Irrelevant' and even non-participating. How much do you want me to talk to be participating? HAHA... those who know me will know me as a person who speaks his mind, with tact, readily. But i went back and did a self-reflection on what exactly went wrong. I might have rubbed a few Directing Staff off the wrong way. CTC being a touted safe-to-try environment prompted me, in all my naivety, to speak out often about doctrines and fundamental questions. Not all people are receptive to such radicalism, especially the old schoolers coaching us, who are waiting for their turn to retire. Perhaps they had felt threatened by my aggressiveness, and alleged 'heresy'. Hence, my irrelevance. Arrogance is nothing but my looks, what else can it be? This is of course not the first time that the term has been used on me. What can I do if the Directing Staff don't take their own advice on contextual listening? If they take me for my looks, then i do feel sorry for them. No worries, i'm not gonna complain nothing, but i will not exchange my extrovert self for the world. I'll prove to them in AIOC [Advanced Infantry Officer Course] that they had got it wrong, but this time i'll stray away from 'heresy' for sure. The time and space are not correct for radicalism, yet.

Could my strength be my weakness? I was told that i am too meticulous to the detriment of time management. That i agree, but only for examinations. Being meticulous would save people's lives on the ground! So i don't see any huge problems here, just got to speed up my meticulous thoughts, that's all. That will come with practice and experience. So just the D for Discussion that's the blip on my report card. But luckily for me, i've got a second chance to prove my worth, and i'm not gonna let it slip away. D is also for Determination.

Go GATTSome

This week is by far the most fruitful week of my life. There haven't been a stop in activities the whole week. No time to catch my breath at all for there was so much things to learn and explore.

Of course there was the very tiresome Exercise Heron from Monday through to Wednesday, where my battalion Commanding Officer [CO] came down, and together with all his planning staff, delivered some really unusual Operational Orders [Ops Orders] to kick start our Exercise. Well, that's my CO: a young high-flying punk that pushes the system. I certainly admired his determination to be unusual, but definitely not his manner of speech and the egoistic air that he used to direct the orders. He is kinda like Glenn Ong's Short-fart, haha, tiny yet provocative, and certainly not very friendly.

It was a computer simulation program termed JCATS [Joint Combat Arms Tactical Simulation], which kinda runs like the very famous EA game -Command & Conquer, that we used to execute our plans. The entire process was robust and insightful, if only one can remain awake through the long nights. I was very uncomfortable seeing so many soldiers getting killed on my screen as the exercise got underway. We clashed head-on with the enemy and were expecting ourselves to hold up with superior fire power and technology but the truth is that men still died in the hundreds! We certainly don't have that much people to be sacrificed in a War! The many battles of a war can be won on the account of tremendous bloodshed on both sides, but our country will cease to exist the very next day because there ain't able-bodied men left to run our businesses. Attrition warfare is definitely not the way to go for the SAF.

The whole doctrine of fighting till our death irks me alot, especially after i've starting reading The Art of Manoeuvre by eminent American Strategist Robert Leonhard and Sun Tzu's Art of War, where both authors expressed the acme of victory as winning a war without firing a single shot; to use manoeuvre [Pre-emption, Dislocation and Disruption] to render the enemy irrelevant to the fight and to defeat the enemy's will to fight with Force, which is of course the product of Mass and the Rate of Change of Velocity [F=MV/T]. Surprise! Surprise! Physics in War Strategies! =) This means that a small army [like ours] can in-fact defeat a sizeable foe with outstanding acceleration, command and control and trickeries. It is all about fighting and winning the war on terms favourable only to us and not the enemy. Heresy! That's not a fair fight! Heck with that man, you wanna be a hero when the lives of thousands of men are directly at your mercy? I don't think so.

War is after all, the clash of opposing human wills. The erosion of human's psyche eclipses the most powerful weapon in the world. Why? The enemy will not even react fast enough to press that god-damn button! But still, the reality remains that a Company Commander [OC] has no say in all those higher level bullshit; we plan according to our bosses' intents and hopefully boss and other OCs don't screw up [that much], so that we can all go home. The week ended with me going through the mundane Appreciation of Situation test - the final year examination equivalent of my current course. Not much of imagination involved there, but still it's the basic of planning at our level.

But this week's biggest takeaway was not learnt in the classroom. It was over supper! I was contemplating what to get for Marie's Birthday BBQ at East Coast Park, so i solicited some ideas from my good course mates. A never heard before concept of 5 knowledge of love sprouted out. They are expressed as the acronym GATTS - Gifts, Affirmation, Touch, Time and Services. These 5 genies are the essentials of everyone in their love life and friendships, or so i've been told. Every individual will have a combination of any one, or all, of these 5 genies, which will make them feel valued by someone who should express the correct preferences. The central source for tension in any relationship is that the couple expresses to one another his/hers own preferred combination, instead of the preferred combination of the other half.

A case in point is the issue of valentine gifts. Azrul's GF [Uni] wanted to buy him a pair of Levis' jeans on valentine's, which Azrul will never wear 'cos he doesn't wear jeans. So Az declined the offer to Uni's displeasure. There! Source of tension. And why did Uni want to buy a pair of jeans when she knew Az's fashion tastes [or the lack of? haha]? She is likely to be a person whose knowledge of love is to be presented gifts, hence she wants to buy her sayang a pair of jeans as a show of her preferred mode of affection 'cos she likes them, not considering the fact that what she prefers may not be what Az prefers. And the solution for Az? Simply reciprocate that unintented hint and buy her gifts the next time, with her favourte colour to boot. But of course, Uni was mature enough to resolve the tension by listening to Az's point of view and settled for two cartoon tomes instead.

Back to my problem for a gift. After some serious discussion, i found out that my original gift idea will be, at best, grudgingly accepted and chucked aside as it does not conform to Marie's GATTS. My past b'day gifts from her were bought, not made [time], with cards [words of affirmation] and chocolates. So voila! I've got the general solution. Gifts [bought] and cards with chocolates!

A detailed cross reference with my female course mate further reveals that gifts for gals might not be of practical usage, but rather cuddly and adorable. This is of course, unheard of in the guy's world [many dudes suggested watches, perfume or jewellery to demonstrate maturity and gravity. Horrors! I'm not a miser, but i'm not fantastically rich too]. They should be wrapped with more layers to increase the sense of excitement, and summed up with some innovative words of affirmation and chocolates [not more than 2 mouthful due to girls' inherent fear of obesity]. Naturally, the favourite colour must be utilised in as many aspect as possible, but not excessively. Man! The art of GATTS!

After much planning, i proceeded to buy the stuff - A damn cute pink bear wrapped with translucent plastic paper as the main gift; an IKEA photoframe to frame the postcard up [To satisfy the guy's concept of practicality. =P]; some Ferrero Rochers [Only two mouthful, so two Rochers. =)] and a giant pink box to conceal everything inside, tied up with pink ribbons. There The perfect gift!

True to the prophecy, it was a hit with Marie! Yippee! Now ladies and gentlemen, besides wearing sunscreen, you should all go GATTSome. No need for love counselling anymore boy, simple DIY will do.

To top it all off for the week, Debbie replied for a second time to a testimonial that i've crafted out for her on Hi5. To talk about luck! I saw her on Hi5 after accepting a friend's invitation, and she accepted my request to add her. Yeah... She rejected my testimonial though, stating that i've overflattered her, which is of course not the truth. But she did give me her new email add to contact her with. I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel! What a week! Now, i've levelled up to -2 perhaps? Man, i feel good!

Of Dollars and Cents

I sat down this weekend with my parents, talking about what the hell am i going to do in my life. I told them blankly that there are only four things that i can do in life - be an adventurer like Choo Rui Zao; be an entreprenuer and have my own businesses; be an strategist and officer with the SAF or be a financial analyst cum investor. As you could imagine, any 'good' parent will shake his head at at least 3 out of 4 of these 'absurd' ideas. I knew what my dad would say, so i pre-empted him:

'You can tell me about all those iron-bowl jobs that i can take, but i can give you simple reasons about me that will never suit those jobs. Jobs like journalism, teaching, accountancy and what have you will never suit me 'cos i can NEVER sit still. They are simply not exciting nor challenging enough!'

Dad was his usual miser self and rebuked: 'You can easily get bankrupted should you fail!'

Oh, isn't that what we all fear in life: FAILURE. 'Papa, i've lost 4 years of Rugby Finals and failed countless maths and history tests, do you think i give a dim about failure? Bankruptcy is but another failure to learn from. I will succeed for there are tonnes of chances out there papa, you've just got to open your eyes and see!'

Then i dislocated his train of thought: 'Have you ever given a thought to what you want to do in your life; what you're realy good at and the one thing that will complete you as a person before you die?'

He fell dead silent and i knew that i have struck the jackpot, so i went in for the kill.

'The most important thing in life is to know what you are good at and what you want to achieve in life. Know the direction and the destination and you will let no obstacles stop you. I intend to do just that.'

In a vain attempt, dad tried to scare me with stories of bankruptcy, out of goodwill to warn me i suppose. He started with some construction companies that he'd worked for, but that's simply lame talk. I dissected the problems for him and recommended some solutions. But Ah Pa's still Ah Pa after all, he was as stubborn as usual and will not give in. Dinner talk degenerated from then on, but at least both mum and dad had a piece of my mind. Nothing that undramatic [uninspiring to boot] will dissuade me from my goals in life, especially scare tactics. So, sorry dad, i didn't quite grow up to your expectations, but i'm glad that i did grew up to my own. Haha! =P

Then surprisingly, Benedict the RI prefect called to say hi on a bright Saturday afternoon. We latched on to each other's topic really quickly and it was indeed good old buddies talk all over again. I'm glad that he saw the light and realized his goals, well somewhat i guess, enrolling into SMU and rejecting a Singapore Power Scholarship in the process. Good one Ben! But still, he remains uncertain as to what he wants to do with his place in SMU.

We let each other in on some investment talks and i was pleasantly surprised that he knew quite alot about the basics of wealth creation and management! But still, he's not into it yet, knowing very well the benefits that he'll be missing. Oh well, not everyone's like me i guess. I'm too much a risk taker for many people's liking, including my folks.

This year's CNY is such a let down. I'm running a deficit around here man. I gave 550 to my folks, only to get 80 in return! Brrr. And we didn't go visiting too, for my grandad passed away half a year ago and all my relatives rejected my family, especially my mom's side. That is plain bullshit! Why? 'Cos we are suppose to grief for a full year! Absurdity! I think it's the cash that they are trying to save boy. Scheming, scheming, scheming...

Anyway, i was doing a second round of scholarship applications today. I was calculating the costs that i will need in the next 4 years, and it ain't pretty. Only a good scholarship will save my ass now. I might be forced into taking a bank loan for my studies, but i've got it somewhat covered with my investments. Hopefully i can hold out against that option. Sigh, of dollars and cents man, of dollars and cents.

I Need A Girl

With extreme anxiety, i opened my email account on Tues. I've just sent Debbie an email on her birthday - a day after mine - on Sunday. I was expecting her to not give a dim about it, as usual for the past 3 years. But another part of me was still hoping, just a fool's hope, that she'll reply.

I scrolled through the inbox page, and i saw her name. It was unbelievable. i stared at her name for a full minute or so. Then i logged out, and logged in again. She's still there! She replied! You could not imagine how excited i am, opening up that mail: RE: Happy Birthday. She was pleasantly surprised that i still remembered her birthday, and wished me a similar one in return. That's all. But my heart was already racing like mad. Man, you would never know how painful it is to not have heard a single thing from her for 3 years!

Yes, it has been 3 years. But i still think i love her. She simply set my heart on fire everytime i mention her name. No one has ever, ever given me that feeling before. I tried moving on, but i think it's an effort in vain. After all, it was love at first sight, but at the wrong time.

That night, me and my buddy had a good talk on BGR. Once more, i did another analysis on what went wrong between me and Debbie. We were so close together for a full year, if i had only asked her to be mine, she would have definitely agreed. The signs were all so clear! But i didn't. I had the 'A's and my canoeing gold medal to go for; then i'll have to go through the army, and then University. I'm not clear if we will hold up for such a long time. I'm not sure if love can bridge all gaps and mend all the problems that time spent away from each other can cause. I knew that both Debbie and me could not take the hurt that ensues from a breakup; and i knew that Debbie has always wanted her first boyfriend to be her last. It was a noble ideal and i respected that. So, i've never actually got down to ask her to be mine. I have never regretted that decision. But i really felt that she was the one for me.

Then we went to Tasmania, and everything went wrong. She was the bold one to give me the letter on my birthday, stating that she only wanted to be friends, to 'A's and beyond. That broke my heart man, big time. It's a painful fall. i can't even figure out how if it will feel if we were already together. The distance between us during the trip was all the time caused by our separate dreams and future aspirations i guess. Them and other interferences and agendas formed this impregnable wall between her and me. What her agenda was i could roughly guess, to challenge herself mentally and physically, and to observe if i'm really the one. I think i failed her tests on a couple of occassions, which was a shame cos i don't even know what went wrong. I was thinking too much about work at that time i guess, and the future after 'A's, and who wasn't doing that at 17? But my heart belonged to her from the start, she knew that, and maybe that's why she chose to break it hard; for the better for both of us. My reactions were also totally wrong - I made it a point to write her a letter every week, for a whole half year, before i woke up to the fact that my excessive actions had only made the situation worse. I let go finally, in Mid July, just before my canoeing competition. And that was 3 years ago.

Yet after all these years, i can still remember the first movie that we saw - it was Shrek at Plaza Singapura, 3:14 show on 17th April. That was our first date. Every Tuesday - my only free day of the week, we will go for lunch. She will have Yong Tau Foo and i'll have my Ban Mee. We will spend hours just looking and smiling at each other. Talking was not even necessary. It was so pretty. Man! i think i'm sick. Someone get the shrink!

The truth is, i can not forget her. The way she smiles, the way she test me with her funny questions/hints, the way she walks, the way she swings her stuff around in her usual casual way, her beautiful outfit on our faculty outing in Yishun Safra. i suffered these 3 whole years, since the day she gave me the letter, which i have torn up totally in denial and grief.

And finally, a reply from her! i won't read too much into it, but it does herald a little ray of hope. My moves from now on will have to be cautious. I'm like, what my buddy said, at -3 on the relationship chart with her. So, in order to get back to 0, i'll have to be careful not to press too hard.

Oh man, i need a girl to get this feeling over with man! It's killing me. Hopefully my time in SMU will bring me better luck.