Who am I?

People change, that's a fact. But the tricky thing is: how can we change positively, while remaining ourselves? What is "ourselves" in the first place? What defines who I am and how do I know that?

A discussion with my girlfriend makes me wonder about these questions suddenly. I told her that the things that define me are my moral values and ethical perspectives of this world. That regardless of how I look, the manner with which I speak, or even how I walk, laugh and sing, my integrity and allegiance to my outlook in life remains the same. To add to that, I think my written retirement statement, my sole purpose in life, also defines who I am. Without that written statement, and without allegiance to it, I think my life will be entirely void of meaning.

Therefore, I can safely say that there are three things that define who I am:

1. The past was a dream, the present is reality, and the future is mine to shape. Learn from and forgive the past, live the present, and build for the future is what I believe in. Living in the past is like living in a self-constructed prison. So why not let it go and enjoy the freedom of today and excitement of what tomorrow can bring?

2. Do what is right. I imagine myself as a self-made multi-billionaire like Warren Buffett and ask myself this: if I am Warren Buffett, with a US$40 billion personal worth and a whole legion of reporters chasing after my ass, what will I do in a given situation? If I do something that will get me on the front page of dozens of newspapers worldwide for the wrong reasons, then I better stay well clear of that action or thought. Even if it was a Grey-area question, I would still not touch it with a ten feet pole. Integrity is everything because my reputation is what will live on, beyond money and status, long after my death.

3. I believe that I can achieve the definite purpose in life, and will do anything within legal boundaries to attain it. My life is wasted if I do not retire from business and start a career in novel and play writing by age 45. This is my life and I am going to live it the way I want to.

Therefore, people can say whatever they want about me. They can impose their idealized personality on me; they can deem me as arrogant and they can distrust my beliefs in life. But as long as I remain true to the three things that define me, I believe success is inevitable.

But wait a minute, why are these three definitions of me so hardcore and cold? Why are there no emotions attached to them? Why is there not a single picture of love and softness?

Therefore, I think there is another side of me that I would have to learn and reveal to myself and those around me. These include trusting others and letting them into my world readily, because I have nothing to hide. Honestly, I think I have a problem in this area because I picked up some bad habits from my parents. My folks never showed compassion openly and never truly trusted each other. My dad in particular buried his own emotional self so deep inside that I have given up trying to open him up to love and trust.

I hate to cook up excuses but a parent's actions and words can really have a profound effect on his child. The interactions between my dad and me have been emotionally void, business transaction type talks, instructional monologues and awkward silences. And this uneasy relationship begun ever since my dad realized that I was growing out of my childhood self into a man. Basically, back home, it's me who wears the pants, ties the family together emotionally and financially. So maybe he felt threatened, kind of like being replaced by a son that grew out of his shadow, and tried unsuccessfully to rein me in.

Nevertheless, he eventually knew that I have outgrown him when I chose a different path at every major juncture in life, and have achieved success despite his constant timid dissuasions. For example, when I chose to go to Raffles Institution instead of Chinese High for my secondary education despite my strong mandarin background; when I chose a Singapore Airlines scholarship over a Singapore Armed Forces Merit Scholarship; and when I chose to invest my own money in the Singaporean equity market instead of putting it conservative life policy insurance the way he did. Each decision I made was a calculated one that challenged my comfort zone and allowed me to grow and profit. But if I have listened to my dad, I think today I will be a very unhappy person with few meanings in my life.

However, I still carried his emotional reservedness in me. So my girlfriend is right, I am emotionally cautious at a sub-conscious level, and I am thankful to her for pointing this out. I will have to work on trusting others emotionally. And most importantly, learn how to love and relax and just be myself. This emotional void in me is something of an inner demon for me, and I'm glad I'm facing it squarely now. I don't know yet how I can defeat it, but if by conquering it means that a better me will be revealed, then I think I'm going to try my best.

So, the next time you catch me not being myself; talking in detached, disengaged manner, please, point it out to me and I'll do my best to relax and be more engaging.