The most emotional question

Have you ever met a question that just makes your mind wander into the past? I just met one:

Have you ever taken a risk that you now know was the right thing to do?

I journeyed at least 5 years into the past, evoking one of the most emotional story that I can ever tell:

I took a risk to change my sport from rugby to canoeing in year 2000, the year of graduation from my secondary school – Raffles Institution. I was the captain of the school’s rugby team and a national rugby representative at that time, and obviously, the decision was a difficult one to make. As the leader of my team and a senior to three batches of lower secondary level rugby players, I ought to have continued playing the sport when I move on to higher level education at Raffles Junior College (RJC). However, due to unforeseen circumstances, I was forced to make an important choice – to continue with competitive rugby or not.

The catalyst for this decision was the fracturing of my left ankle in the dying minutes of the national schools rugby semi-finals in year 2000. Although my team won the match and advanced to the final, I was sidelined on my crutches for the last match of my four years rugby stint. I watched in horror as my team lost, once again, in the final. Following the final whistle, the team received its fourth silver medal. It was a heartbreaking defeat because everyone had put in tremendous efforts throughout the season in hope of a earning a final victory. The loss was particularly painful for me as the team could have done better if only I was available to convert the kicks. However, all I could do was watch and cheer on the bench, albeit in constant agony.

As my ankle recuperates on the hospital bed, I pondered upon my future with competitive rugby. Three salient questions begged to be answered. The first one is, ‘Is rugby my niche sport?’ The answer will be an obvious no. Four years of runners-up positions in rugby school finals will be valid proof. However, I am not ready to give up hope that Raffles Rugby will not rise again to be national champions. Hence, the second question is, ‘Can I attain a national gold with my team?’ The answer to this question came from my orthopaedic surgeon. He revealed that the hairline cracks in my left fibula are susceptible to recurring fractures. Furthermore, a second fracture will condemn me to a wheelchair for the rest of my life. Therefore, he advised me not to continue with competitive rugby. In other words, I will not be able to perform as well on the rugby field as before. In fact, I might prove to be a liability should I injure myself once more. As a result, the final question is, ‘If I am to drop rugby, what other sports can I play, and expect success in, without risking my injury?’ The answer lies in a water sport, such as canoeing.

Although the decision to switch sports was made, other circumstances will have to be considered as well. Indeed, RJC was my preferred junior college as most of my secondary school friends will be studying there. Furthermore, it offers both a great curriculum and canoeing. However, as the captain of Raffles Rugby, it is impossible for me to ignore my yearning to return to the team. In addition, I do not wish for my injury to be a liability to the team. Therefore, a more drastic change has to occur. With that in mind, I decided to sever all ties with Raffles Rugby and the Raffles Tradition, and enrolled myself into Hwa Chong Junior College.

As risky as this decision might be, it was a challenge that I was willing to undertake since a new environment heralds new possibilities, not just risks and losses. My past successes should not confine me to history but arm me for the future. Subsequently, I followed through with my plan and picked up canoeing with only one thing in mind – to win the national gold that has eluded me for the past four years.

After two years of intensive training and numerous competitions, my decision and efforts finally paid off. I garnered two bronze medals for Singapore, my country, in the South East Asian Canoeing Championships and won my first national level race. In addition, I was awarded the national and school colours for my achievements.

To conclude, I took a risk to change a sport and leave my social and academic comfort zone; however, I emerged stronger. I now know that I can adapt to any situation, and that knowledge has boosted my confidence, making me a stronger person. In retrospect, I am glad that I took the risk and did not hide behind security.

Winning people to your way of thinking.

Ever found yourself engaged in a war of words that started with no particular reasons? I had. Out of the blue an opinion with a slap came right across my face, and there I found myself arguing till my face turned purple to earn my right of way. Arguments are terrible situations for anyone, yet we run into at least one daily. Why is that so?

Firstly, we often run into people who like to contradict a view that we possess. While contradicting a view is nothing much, the act of showing an absurdity in our judgment is certainly not well appreciated. Therefore, arguments assault our precious self esteems. Naturally, in a bid to salvage our pride, we focus all our mental and physical energies to defend our view. Since our initial self defending reactions strike back at the other person's ego, he will react in the same manner. We then find ourselves engaged in a downward argumentative spiral that starts with no valid reasons.

Secondly, we get simple egoistic boost by telling others that they are wrong. Although we derive small pleasures out of correcting others, a bid to show others that our opinions are more valid is foolhardy. Arguments will always end with frustration since the more we argue; the more convinced we are of our own positions. Hence, even if you walk away with the idea that, ‘I’ve told that bird something,’ what makes you so sure that the other person is not having the same thoughts as you? You cannot win an argument. If you lose, you lose, and if you win, you lose.

This is because:

A man convinced against his will
Is of the same opinion still.

Therefore, the only way to win an argument is to avoid it.

Since arguing will never win others over to your way of thinking, we have to stop being argumentative. There are better means of persuasion than taking a direct assault on our counterparts’ ego. So what else can we do? I will propose something that many self-respecting individual will consider sacrilegious:

The best way ever to win others to your way of thinking is to forget your own ego and show respect for others’ pride and opinions. Hence, the fastest way to persuade anyone is to first make them feel important, and do so sincerely.

Think hard about the person who just slapped you with an assault on your viewpoint. Although in that very instance, you are tempted to indulge in a little self pleasure by putting him in his place, there are still circumstances when his opinions are valid. It is only in the present that some differences appear. Therefore, the first thing to do is to agree with what he said. Sounds absurd? I assure you that it is not. No one can argue indefinitely with you when you have agreed with their views. It just doesn’t make sense. Since everyone loves to be sincerely appreciated, to be agreed upon by a potential adversary is indeed an exulted flattery. Hence, agreeing with a contradicting opinion is a very intelligent way of putting the contradiction out of the way and to start talking about your opinions. In addition, because you have disarmed your counterpart, he will, therefore, be more open-minded to listen to what you have to say.

Up till here we are doing fine, but if you begin to insinuate at any point that, ‘you are wrong,’ you will be heading for trouble again. Hence, the next smart thing to do is to lower your ego and use some good phrases like, ‘Well, now look. I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am. However, if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts.’ Or, ‘Pardon me if I am wrong, but I think…’

Now, no one under high heaven is going to disagree with a person who thinks that he may be wrong. Therefore, it is now time to tactfully unload your opinion. While you are at it, do not forget to find points that you and your counterpart have in common and expand on them. Remember, everyone welcomes approvals, even when opinions oppose each other. Approvals are like food to our self-esteem. Therefore, to be hearty in our approbation and lavish in our praise will most definitely win others to your way of thinking.

Benjamin Franklin, the adroit diplomat and statesman who founded U Penn among countless institutions, wrote this in his celebrated autobiography:

‘Ben, you are impossible. Your opinions have a slap in them for everyone who differs with you. They have become so offensive that no one cares for them. Your friends find that they enjoy themselves better when you are not around. You know so much that no man can tell you anything. Indeed, no man is going to try, for the effort will only lead to discomfort and hard work. So you are not likely ever to know any more than you do now, which is very little.’

This paragraph was told to Ben Franklin when his was a blundering youth. Realizing the stinging truth that was revealed, Ben Franklin sought to change himself,

‘I made it a rule to forebear all direct contradictions of others’ opinions, and all positive assertions of my own. When someone asserted something that I thought an error, I denied myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and to immediately show him some absurdity in his propositions.’

And boy did he not succeed in all his endeavours thereafter!

So, the next time before you step into an argumentative mode, remember this paragraph and put your name in-front-of it,

‘___________, you are impossible. Your opinions have a slap in them for everyone who differs with you. They have become so offensive that no one cares for them. Your friends find that they enjoy themselves better when you are not around. You know so much that no man can tell you anything. Indeed, no man is going to try, for the effort will only lead to discomfort and hard work. So you are not likely ever to know any more than you do now, which is very little.’

Finally, to quote Alexander Pope, ‘Men must be taught as if you taught them not, and things unknown proposed as things forgot.’ So stop arguing as they are not worth your efforts since arguments never achieve much. Winning people to your way of thinking is theoretically as easy as flipping your palm. The only problem is whether you can stop your egoistic emotions from controlling your initial reactions and instead, use logic to persuade.

Young and Financially Dangerous?

I was researching on teenage profiles for my speech assignment due next week when I chanced upon some unpleasant indictments of adolescence. Most websites are chiding adolescents as illogical and emotional (TIME.com), impulsive (McLean Hospital in Belmont) and Cognitively Egocentric (Prevention.com). With so much scientific data to back their claims, they almost made me believe that I am nothing but a financial ruin in the making at age 21.

Teens Behaving Badly

With these characteristics, teens with expendable money are cash cows for the milking to the retail industry. Being impetuous and illogical, we are more susceptible to impulsive purchases at stores. Business Week Online found teens to be spending $100 per week in fashion and fast food chains like Abercombie and Mac Donald's last year. Worse still, an average college student will amass four to five credit card debts and a whole lot of other consumption debts by the time they graduate from school. To top it off, a group of 150 high school students were tested on personal finance, with results revealing that teens know next to nothing about personal finance. No wonder retail store owners and credit card companies are laughing their way to the banks.

Even the smartest of teens is not spared from the phenomenon of peer pressure, or Groupthink, as my Leadership and Teambuilding Professor will term it. Sometimes, it is easier to follow the crowd and do what they do – spend money. Can you imagine the amount of courage you will need to be a fashion trendsetter in your clique? One wrong coat or pair of jeans and out the clique you will go. Peer pressure can defy reason. Just ask any youth who started his first puff of the cigarette stick. He knows what damage that single puff can do to his body, yet he took up the habit just to fit into a clique of friends. Emotional teens are fierce conformists within cliques and staunch rebels out of it.

Peer pressure plays right into the hands of the retail giants. They put up huge posters of visually appealing teenage girls and guys decked out in their latest fashion lines all over their stores and in public spaces. These posters ask the same question, 'With so much beautiful teens wearing our clothes, shouldn't you have them too?' Hence, the stuffed cash registers of stores keep ringing, while the thin wallets of teens keep emptying. We spend practically every allowance dollar and summer job pay-check, as well as borrowed money, on our needs to affiliate with the hip and the cool each week.

The bad news is that these bad spending habits follow us into our adulthood. As the saying goes, 'Good habits start young.' So do bad ones. But all is not lost with these bad vibes on the net. Being young does not mean that we are big squanderers of money; we can be big makers of it too.

Weird Behaviours are Good

We would have thought that our brains are fully developed by the time we utter the alphabets and know the algebra. But a TIME magazine report on adolescence would beg to differ. Our grey matters apparently re-construct itself at puberty, between the ages of 11 to early 20s. Our pre-frontal cortex, the seat of logic and reasoning in our brain, is the most severely affected. As such, our amygdala, our seat for impulse, takes over the control of the mind. A research by Mc Lean Hospital in Belmont, MA would attest to this finding. Several teens and adults were tested on a handful of human expressions synonymous with anger. The majority of tested teens interpreted them as expressions of confusion and sadness, and on the other hand, adults with fully developed pre-frontal cortices correctly assessed the displayed expressions as anger.

With such chaotic minds, logical adults therefore deem impulsive teens as defiant and irrational. But it is this same set of 'weird' behaviours that enabled the human race to evolve over time. The risk-taking nature of the first early human adolescent drove him to leave the African plains, and set foot on all continents of the world, save for Antarctica. He helped us pool our genes together and enabled human evolution. That is why we are so intelligent vis-a-vis other species of animals. Remember, 40 years old apes did not travel out of Africa, it was the young and bold who did. Being impulsive is not necessarily bad. Our impulses allowed us to accomplish things beyond normal human logic. The first step of a baby began with an impulse; an illogical conclusion that he can walk, no matter how often and how hard he falls. Hence, his first step. Can you imagine if this impulse never occurred in babies' minds? We will have 'side-crawls' now, not sidewalks. Likewise, financial success begins with an impulse; an illogical conclusion that we can be rich, no matter what obstacles we face along the way. Like a baby who refuses to give up his impulse to walk, teenagers with similar stages of mental re-wiring can also be rich.

Prevention.com describes Cognitive Egocentrism as the thought that 'bad things happen to others, not to me.' Cognitive Egocentrism is the reason why teen delinquency is up by 13%, teen pregnancy up by 10% and teen drunk drivers are up by 9%, according to the National Bureau of Statistics. But Cognitive Egocentrism also allows us to dream big, seemingly impossible dreams, like having a personal goal of getting rich and retiring at age 45. According to a study by the Ministry of Manpower in 2004, two in three adults who reached the legal retirement age of 65 are either dead or dead broke. They are dead due to stress induced diseases and they are dead broke since they are penniless by the time they retire. As a Cognitively Egocentric teen, I believe I can be that one out of three individual who can retire comfortably because ‘bad things happen to others, not to me’. Hence, Cognitive Egocentrism can be played to our advantage. As a caveat, however, being cognitively egocentric about pre-marital sex is dangerous. If you really have to give it a go and you are pondering about the use of a condom, don't even think, just use one. Get another on hand for good measure as well. Having a couple of kids before you can curb your own lavish spending habits is no joke for your teenage pocket.

Teens succumb to peer pressure easily, and retailers know it. Mr Hideki Akiyoshi, the founder of Style Factory, a fashion and event consultancy firm, says it best, 'Teens conform within a fashion clique, and are defiant out of it. Knowing what's in and what's not for them is the first step in making fashion hits with teens.' Besides burning a hole in your pocket and defying your intelligence to engage in meaningless activities like smoking, being a fierce conformist has its financial benefits. If you belong to a clique of friends who are focused on getting themselves rich that is. But first you have to find these visionaries and leave your money squandering friends behind. It is painful, I know. But so are 4 to 5 credit debts at graduation and the monthly chore of stooping low to ask for financial aid from your parents. The books that you read and the people that you associate with will determine who you are in 5 years’ time. Being fierce conformists in the right cliques, and defiant out of it, will define your financial success in life.

Do Not Believe Everything

Most adults have pre-frontal cortices that are too well-developed. Imagining financial success in life the way risk-taking teens can is ‘weird’ behaviour to them. Armed with facts from the pervasive media, most adults would therefore conclude that teens are financially precipitate, sexually impetuous and emotionally unstable. In short, we are young and dangerous. However, the adult dominant media is not right all the time; our chided characteristics can be our gifts to financial success. Do not let your chance slip by, for your impulse for success will soon be outgrown by your developing adult logic.